We'll post your friend a deadly serious letter about something extremely petty.

You tell us the grievance. We write it up as a formal legal letter, print it on heavy paper and post it to their door. It has no legal effect whatsoever, and they will photograph it within ninety seconds. That is the entire point.

Order a letter £19, posted first class

Leaving you on read for four days
Never once returning the aux cord
Being twenty-five minutes late, always
Saying "no worries if not" and meaning worries
Booking a table for eight and cancelling at seven
The dishes. Obviously the dishes.

HARDWICK & MOSS

Commissioners for Petty Grievances

Our ref HM/DW/0417 · Date 10 September 2026

Private and confidential · addressee only

THE LETTER FROM HARDWICK & MOSS. PLEASE READ IT CAREFULLY.

Dear Mr Whitlock,

We write on behalf of our client, Miss A. Reyes, of the above address, in connection with a matter that has now been outstanding for some time. Our client instructs us as follows:

That on no fewer than fourteen occasions since 3 June 2026, you have placed used crockery beside the dishwasher rather than inside it, a distance our client measures at approximately 40cm.
That on 27 August 2026 you were observed opening the dishwasher, confirming it to be empty, and closing it again.
That the mug described in correspondence as "the big one" has now remained in the sink for eleven consecutive days and has begun, in our client's words, "to develop opinions".

TAKE NOTICE THAT our client requires you to cease and desist from the conduct described above, and to remedy the outstanding matter within seven (7) days.

Should you fail to comply, our client has instructed us to raise the matter again, at greater length, and in person. We are further instructed that she will bring it up in front of your mother at Christmas.

Hardwick & Moss is not a firm of solicitors, gives no legal advice, and is regulated by nobody at all.

This document is issued for entertainment only. Nothing in it is intended to be relied upon, it confers no right and imposes no obligation on any person, and no liability is accepted in respect of it save for any liability which cannot lawfully be excluded.

One we sent last week. Names changed, grievance entirely real. Yours will be about whatever you tell us it's about.

Order a letter

Your name Appears on the letter as our client.

Your email We send you a photo before it's posted.

Their name As it should appear on the envelope.

Tone How straight should we play it?

Their full postal address Including postcode. UK addresses only for now.

What is the grievance? Anything at all, however small. Detail is what makes it land, so give us dates, quotes and specifics.

You won't be charged until the next screen.

Instructions we decline

Notice to prospective clients · please read before instructing us

Hardwick & Moss reserves the right to decline any instruction without giving a reason. We will not, in any circumstances, prepare or post correspondence:

addressed to a person's employer, workplace or professional address;
addressed to a former partner, or to any person who has asked our client to stop contacting them;
addressed to a person under the age of eighteen;
concerning a genuine dispute, debt, tenancy or matter of law;
calculated to frighten the recipient rather than amuse them;
referring to a person's appearance, race, religion, sexuality or health.

Every instruction is read by a person before it is printed. Where an instruction falls within the above, the fee is refunded in full the same day and we write to explain why. This works because it is plainly a gift between people who like one another, and it stops working the moment it is not.

Reasonable questions

Is this legally binding in any way?

No, and it says so on the letter itself. Hardwick & Moss is not a firm of solicitors and the letter creates no obligation of any kind. It is a novelty item, in the same category as a joke mug.

Will they know it's from me?

Yes. Your name is on it as our client. This is a gift, not an anonymous message, and we won't send it anonymously.

Can I see it before it goes?

Yes. We email you a photo of the printed letter before it's posted, and you can change anything or cancel for a full refund at that point.

How long does it take?

Written and photographed within 24 hours, in the post the same day, and through their door in two to three working days.